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+--- Thread: Jokes (/showthread.php?tid=208)
RE: Jokes - ecneps - 04-05-2008 09:42 PM
A drunk staggered into a catholic church,sat down in the confession box and said nothing.The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention,but still the drunk remained silent.The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk said "No use knocking mate, There's no paper in this one either"!.
Did you hear about the man who used to pick fluff out of his belly button but gave it up for Lint?.
One day a catholic a babtist and a methodist were going fishing,No sooner had they set up their rods and nets in the middle of the lake then the catholic remembered that he had left the buttys on the shore ,So he got out of the boat ,walked on the water ,picked up the buttys walked back on the water and climbed into the boat.Then the babtist realised that they did have enough Bait ,so he got out of the boat,walked on the water,brought a packet of Bait ,Walked back on the water and climbed into the boat
Then the methodist realised he had forgotten his flask of tea on the shore,So he got out of the boat...but sunk all the way down to the bottom of the lake
The catholic turned to the babtist and said," I guess we should have told him where the rocks are!"
RE: Jokes - ecneps - 04-06-2008 10:40 PM
Two friends were recounting their dreams
"I dreamed I was on holiday" said one man,It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake,What a dream"
"I had a good dream to said the other man,I dreamed I was on a date with two gorgerous women and having the time of my life"
"Hey" cried his friend "You dreamed you were with two women and didn't call me"?
"I did said the other friend,But your wife said you'd gone fishing"
Two men were engaged in conversation about the best way to Ski down a slope,To solve the dispute,They asked the advice of a man pulling a sledge
"Sorry", He said " there's not much point asking me,I'm a toboganist"?
"Oh", said one of the skiers,in that case can I have twenty benson and hedges?"
While scuba diving in the sea at a depth of twenty feet,The diver noticed a man at the same depth,but without any diving gear
The diver plunged twenty foot more,but the man joined him minutes later,The diver went down another twenty feet ,but within a few minutes the same man was beslde him again
Confused the diver took out a waterproof board and wrote "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?",The man grabbed the board and wrote "I'M DROWNING YOU IDIOT".
During the 1960's space race NASA decided that it needed a special ballpoint pen capable of writing in the zero gravity
After years of research and development ,The astronauts pen was produced at a cost of $1.000,000
The soviet union faced with the same problem just used a PENCIL?
RE: Jokes - Frank - 04-08-2008 04:53 AM
An Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman and Englishman are sentenced to death by firing squad and each is given one last wish before sentence is carried out.
The Irishman asks for 100 dancers to perform the River Dance.
The Welshman asks for the entire Welsh Mail Voice Choir to sing Land of My Fathers.
The Scotsman asks if he could hear 100 pipers play Scotland the Brave for the last time.
And the Englishman asks .....................
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if he can be shot first.
RE: Jokes - Frank - 04-18-2008 09:25 PM
Lottery Winner
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
RE: Jokes - valelli - 04-19-2008 12:22 AM
is that a joke or based on actual events? I wonder how many lottery winners suddenly found themselves divorced!!
RE: Jokes - ecneps - 04-23-2008 01:33 AM
hi
a woman went to a consultant psychiatrist over problems she was having with her sex life
The psychiatrist asked her a series of questions but did not appear to be getting a clearer picture of her problems,Finally he saked her "Do you ever look look at your husbands face while you are having sex?"
"Well yes "she said,"I did once" "And how did he look" "really angry she said
"Now this is very interesting,we must delve deeper into this.Tell me you say that you have only seen your husbands face once during sex that seems unusual
How was it that you saw his face only that one time
"He was looking through the window at us "!
A workman was killed on a construction site and the police began questioning a number of workers.Based on their previous records many of the workers where prime suspects
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping but was never charged
The carpenter was once arrested for getting hammered but was never nailed
The cement mixer was a hard case but there was nothing concrete to link him with the crime
The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago
The mason got stoned regularly but his alibi was rock solid
So who did it?
The window glazier.But claimed he was framed
some small ones
Marriage isn't a word it's a sentence
A man is incomplete until he's married then he is finished
everyone has a photographic memory it's just that some of us have no film
If you think nobody cares about you try missing a couple of payments
what kind of insects live on the moon ?Lunar Ticks
The most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel
what do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?A walkie- talkie
Doctor I've broken my arm in two places 'doctor'"Well don't go back to those places again
did you hear about the man who belived in reincarnation?In his will he left all the money to himself
My dog saw a sign wet paint So he did
did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?He got a pat on the head
How do you make a venetian blind?poke him in the eye
What do scully and moulder look into in december?The xmas files
Thats it for now there all corny I know, but what do expect for nothing?
ecneps
RE: Jokes - Frank - 04-30-2008 07:33 PM
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night..."
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what's the tartan?"
>>>>>. (scroll down)
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
"Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."
RE: Jokes - Frank - 07-29-2009 08:44 PM
LABOUR PAINS
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. The couple were very much in favour and the Doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.
Aut as the labour progressed, the husband said he felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump up the dial a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% and the husband said he still felt fine.
The doctor checked the husbands BP and was amazed at how well he was doing, at this point they decided to go for 50%.
The husband continued to feel fine and well and since this was helping his wife considerably they decided to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.
RE: Jokes - valelli - 07-29-2009 09:31 PM
I like that one
RE: Jokes - ido - 07-31-2009 12:45 AM
Just greate!!!!
