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Jokes
02-09-2010, 03:16 PM
Post: #31
RE: Jokes
<---------------Senior Moments-------------------------->


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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16-09-2010, 04:39 PM
Post: #32
RE: Jokes
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does nothingl, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"
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16-12-2010, 05:40 PM
Post: #33
RE: Jokes
Obviously with my demoralising english I can't be good with this here at
Lottopost but I do like jokes ,it happenned lot of times to have a great plesure of reading what Frank has posted .
I would like to give some contribution to this site's angle.
Recently met this one on an irish betting site and liked it very much:

...."Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pickup your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you
to the Promised Land."



Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the
Promised Land."

Today, the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised
the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about BP, Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for
English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was
suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......""

Rotflol
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16-12-2010, 05:51 PM
Post: #34
RE: Jokes
Hi ido
Rotflol I like it!!!!!Ylsuper

Here's a good joke!

A women went to the Doctors and said
I'd like to talk to you about those contradiction pills you gave me,
The Doctor said your ignorant.
She said I know, Three Months!
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16-12-2010, 06:16 PM
Post: #35
RE: Jokes
(16-12-2010 05:51 PM)Len Wrote:  Hi ido
Rotflol I like it!!!!!Ylsuper

Here's a good joke!

A women went to the Doctors and said
I'd like to talk to you about theses contradiction pills you gave me,
The Doctor said your ignorant.
She said I know, Three Months!

Hi Len, very good one because language educational for me
as well Rotflol,had to read it
several times before catching the slight meaning BonkRotflolIcon_biggrin
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17-12-2010, 10:44 AM
Post: #36
RE: Jokes
Talking about language etc. In England we are supposed to use the metric system, but some of us still like to use the old units like feet and inches.
So the joke goes...

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING

two feet of snow predicted tonight...


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18-12-2010, 03:47 PM (This post was last modified: 18-12-2010 03:50 PM by ido.)
Post: #37
RE: Jokes
(17-12-2010 10:44 AM)Frank Wrote:  [Image: image0011.jpg]
Hi Frank,
what a tremendously "SEVERE WEATHER WARNING!!!",
hope that will not happen to you english,not say that such a weather
may complicate even the drawing of the UK Lotto numbers.Nono

Let's hope not having so much feet of snow this year at least Rotflol

It's very good joke,exact example of "Perfect autoirony case",
pitty not narable without the foto but I've mailed the link
to some friends of my.
Frank,you are the Best YlsuperYelclapYelclap
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02-01-2011, 07:37 PM
Post: #38
RE: Jokes
[Image: Woman2.gif]
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03-01-2011, 03:42 PM
Post: #39
RE: Jokes
(17-12-2010 10:44 AM)Frank Wrote:  Talking about language etc. In England we are supposed to use the metric system, but some of us still like to use the old units like feet and inches.
So the joke goes...

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING

two feet of snow predicted tonight...


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Hi Frank
Nice one Mate!Icon_smile
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03-01-2011, 03:55 PM
Post: #40
RE: Jokes
(02-01-2011 07:37 PM)ido Wrote:  [Image: Woman2.gif]

Hi ido Rotflol
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